I must have thought about this a hundred times before I decided to write it, but here it is (it has been written over a series of weeks).
Might not be as descriptive or illustrative as I pictured it in my head – but it’s my shot at it.
Might also not make much sense… as nothing in my life makes much sense right now.
This is a story of a break up.
In a way this is dedicated to her.
I don’t really think of it as an end. It feels to me like a beginning of something.
It was awesome how when we met we grew into each other – naturally interlaced, connected and fell in love.
What we had, doesn't get bigger than that. And I think the decision to end it might not have been the best decision ever made. It’s beyond difficult. But I come to realize we are no longer best friends.
Yes, I admit we are no longer best friends, but what we had was amazing.
I speak for myself, I had a great time and I loved every part of it.
We started this for fun, friendship and love – we didn't plan anything.
We didn’t start this seeing it was a long lasting marriage relationship or so.
We started it because it started itself – because what we had was pure and beautiful.
It was at the right moment in time at the right moment in our lives and it felt right.
It grew into something more than I had ever imagined.
I can get nostalgic but there is no point to do so, as I am back to this emptiness.
There is an elephant in the room. We tried to address it – it’s been difficult and nothing has come out of it.
I mean who likes arguments.
We both grew up and it becomes different and distance makes hanging out, much more difficult.
It’s just not the same anymore.
We seemingly always had our own individual agendas all the time, living in different parts of the world.
We have not been able to give “us” the commitment we deserve.
I have had an amazing time and I am eternally grateful for that time and chance.
Friendships are complex and rare things in life.
As all this time and effort you put in, doesn’t get credited for.
It’s not about how much you give, nor how many times, nor any of that.
So we are leaving it there. We are leaving this life we had behind. Its no longer pure, its evil and destroying us.
It’s immensely hard for me to write this, but I think it’s the right thing to do, because I know we are not going to commit and we are no longer forgiving.
No one is pushing any further. Unfortunately, it’s even past the point of anything. We messed up our friendship. We are both angry at each other. I understand.
But even though things took a harsh hurtful turn.
However, I want to say that I am not angry, mad or anything of such sorts.
I understand that I am liable for my actions and I pushed you too far.
God knows how much I love you and how forever and ever I will carry you in my heart.
But what we had is no longer there.
Our love is something neither of us can deny – we’ve had our magical sensational moments.
Yes, I am afraid of a future without you.
But I am also looking forward to a future of happiness for both of us.
If we can no longer be happy together, then surely – it is a correct decision to part.
The way I see it, it’s an end to an amazing journey, we’ve done it together as friends, lovers & soul mates.
Everything comes to an end in life. كل من عليها فان
I have come to a point in my life where I want to clear things up.
It is, what it is, and it is over.
So many things happened in the past year and the truth is I am holding on to something that is no longer there. May be we are not meant to be.
I love you. I love you because I do. I love you because the universe showed me the way to you.
I didn’t ask to love you. I just have no choice. It’s just how it is.
I made a lot of mistakes and I think if I want to end this once and for all – I need to apologize.
Even though it wouldn't fix it.
I don’t want to come to a point in my life where I tell myself there is a lot that has been unsaid – but even though I am trying to say it – it still won’t be said.
It’s always sad for something or someone so dear to you to leave your life.
What we had, is something that I will treasure forever.
I didn’t think, I’d remember all our moments so vividly.
I guess that’s my curse because I need you and I need the way you look at me and I need you to need me.
We will be fine individually.
I have for too long belittled you and made you feel insignificant. Whether willingly or not – I just did.
I have oppressed you and shaken your self confidence a lot of times.
For that I am sorry and duly sorry I am.
I made you feel lonely. Not alone as I was there – but in the sense that I focused on my troubles and focused on what I go through and never gave much attention to the fact that you have a life too, that has equal or even more challenging challenges that present themselves to you.
For that I am sorry and duly sorry I am.
What is it to be a man; the tighter values of masculinity, strength, honor, nobility ….
With today the term can also include expressing ones emotions publicly and in a modern context not just being an alpha male but also accepting other's views.
The best men do not always act as they ought.
I think you don’t just deserve an apology but also a thank you.
Thank you for teaching me soo much and thank you for giving me happiness, thank you for loving me, and thank you for teaching me to be spontaneous and enjoy life.
I completely lost sight of exactly that … I was so focused on a goal in my work life that I overlooked what you meant to me and I failed to understand what you were going through.
I admit I was snappy, didn’t communicate with you. I even sometimes avoided you. I was a horrible person to be around.
To me you are family.
This is a story about you.
You that book in the top shelf section, that’s hard to reach.
That book that you hurry slowly to read.
I am forever missing that book.
I used to think; We are infinite; We are created to enhance one another’s lives.
But slowly I realized, we are not perfect. We are incomplete by our own humanity.
We break with distance and we hurt with separation.
Call me young, inexperienced …but what is this “love” thing.
Everything seems to elude to that perfect happy ever after story.
To me, love is a struggle.
Love is a compromise.
Love is that unconditional gut willingness to give limitlessly with joy.
Love is forgiveness.
It’s the little things.
It’s that glorious time of day when you have no reason to smile but you do.
It’s anything but it’s everything.
It doesn’t have to be great.
But it is, even when it’s not.
That’s the point.
Simply follow what will make you happy, even if you’ll end up sad. At least that’s what I’ll do.
That’s why it’s complicated.
I read somewhere that war is nothing more than learning how to lose.
Yet, people still go to war.
War has disintegrated our souls.
But I like to think that the dust would pull itself together and create something new.
I am convinced that you can hear my thoughts.
I convince myself into it at least. It gives me comfort. When nothing else gives me comfort.
I promised myself not to let go.
A promise should stand firm in the changing times.
It’s a precious and powerful thing.
It has the strength to endure.
If there is one thing I promised and I still am keeping, its that I love you.
In a parallel world, you stayed or may be, we never met.
No ending is worthy of this great thing we had.
This is a closure, but also a beginning.
Our talks used to have the power to grant us a larger life. Whether to explain how our marvelous boring day went about or to interact together with the free fall of ideas and little meaningful jokes.
Your absence will be dearly missed.
I have complete faith in God.
May he guide us both and help us lead a happy blessed life.
One ending point I'd like to conclude:
To me relationships are a lot like startups, we invest time and effort in them for personal benefits and we trust our gut feeling throughout. They revolve around the founders and their willingness to pursue that one dream.
Yet, one major advice I'd give is not to learn to fail fast - relationships should take their time.
But rather learn to forgive fast.
Changing founders is difficult, but sometimes crucial.
It's a tough experience but it's a life lesson that has taught me a lot of stuff.
Here is to a new beginning.